


Back Where We Use Our Given Names

by shrimpheavenwow



Category: Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, It's not like super sad but it's decently sad, M/M, Minor Character Death, me? projecting my hatred of small town life onto characters? never, this is..........sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-24 23:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16185557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrimpheavenwow/pseuds/shrimpheavenwow
Summary: Race goes home after being away for years. Nothing has changed except for him.





	Back Where We Use Our Given Names

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Writing something that's not fluff?? It's more likely than you think. 
> 
> Title from [Daydream / Wetdream / Nightmare ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeOwdET6V1o) by Saint Motel, the last minute and a half of which inspired this fic.

They spent six hours in the car driving.

Race was in the passenger seat, staring out the window, his head leaning on his hand. The music playing was something soft and harmless, if a little melancholic. The landscape around them was green and beautiful and idyllic, looking the way Davey would imagine places out in the country to look. They drove past forests and fields of corn and grazing cows and Davey was so far out of his element. He grew up in the city, where everything moved fast except traffic. Out here everything was so still, like the world had forgotten that this place existed and left it to do as it pleased.

Davey had never spent much time outside of the city. He’d been born and raised there. Even when they went on vacation, they never went anywhere this remote, this far upstate. Driving past fields and meadows and woods would probably be relaxing on any normal day, but this wasn’t just some harmless trip to the middle of nowhere, and the drive was far from relaxing.

Davey knew he was getting close when he got stuck for three miles behind a tractor going 30 in a 50, and he couldn’t pass him because all the roads were curved and winding. He couldn’t tell if there was a car just beyond his line of sight and he wasn’t about to risk it.

He sighed heavily. Race huffed out a laugh, more of a sudden exhale than anything, his head leaning against the window.

“How are those things street legal?” Davey asked.

Race shrugged. “You should see what traffic is like on take your tractor to school day.”

“I’m sorry,  _what_?”

Race quirked his lips upward, just slightly.

“It was something the FFA did at the high school every year. I only saw it once before…”

Davey just nodded, understanding. “Yeah.”

The were silent for a minute before Race spoke again.

“You didn’t have to come. I know it’s a hassle.” He turned from looking out the window to looking at Davey.

Davey took a hand off the wheel and reached over, taking one of Race’s into it. “I wanted to.”

Race squeezed his hand and returned to looking out the window.

The tractor finally turned onto a side road and Davey sped up. He could see the beginnings of a town coming up, houses bordering the street, the trees along the road becoming less and less dense. Out in the distance were more buildings, almost certainly the town where they were headed. The town where Race was born. The town where his family lived.  
  
Davey remembered when Race confided in him about his family. It had been the night Davey had brought him to meet his parents, a little over two months into their relationship. Race had been wonderful and charming and beautiful and Davey didn’t think he could be more in love. They’d left his mother’s house and took a walk through the park on their way back to their dorms. It was dark, but the street lights were on. It was peaceful. Race had been uncharacteristically quiet and Davey had been about to tease him about it when he realized that Race was crying. They’d gone back quickly and Race had spilled it all: him coming out when he was 14, his parents disowning him, having to go live with a distant uncle in the city, all of it. Davey had held him while he cried and promised him that it was going to be okay.

Race hadn’t told him that his mom had cancer.

To be fair, when they’d disowned Race it hadn’t been bad. His mom had been in remission for over two years and they’d thought the worst of it was past. Since Race didn’t have contact with them, he didn’t know how bad it had gotten. He learned his mom had died from an aunt that hadn’t agreed with his parent’s decision to disown him but didn’t have the means to take him in herself. It was a private funeral, family only. Race wasn’t invited.

Davey had found him in the kitchen floor, his phone cradled in his hands, sobbing too hard to get any words out. He cried for hours, curled up in Davey’s arms, and the worst part of it was that Davey didn’t even know what was wrong because Race wasn't talking. He just had to let Race cry till he’d exhausted himself and fell asleep, pressed against Davey’s chest. He wasn’t up to speaking for a while the next day. Davey had been really worried about him but knew that pressuring him to talk would do nothing but make him want to talk less. Race told him eventually. He’d whispered it, staring straight ahead, his eyes vacant. The funeral was next week. And Race wasn’t allowed to go.

They planned to get there a few days after the funeral, after everyone had cleared out and they could pay their respects in peace. That's how they found themselves in a car for six hours, driving to a small town in the middle of nowhere.

Race never told people where he was really from. People usually assumed he’d been born in the city based on how comfortable he was with it, how he knew its layout like the back of his hand. But Race still kept some remnants of being a child raised in the country, including but not limited to amazing camping skills. No one knew where they came from and Race shrugged off all questions. Only Davey knew the whole truth of it.

They pulled into the town and parked on the street. It was a Saturday, mid morning, and even though the town was tiny, there were a fair amount of people out and about. Race and Davey walked on the sidewalk, not quite hand in hand but close to each other’s sides.

“How does it feel to be back home again?” Davey asked after a bit of walking aimlessly through the streets.

Race hummed while he thought of an answer.

“This isn’t home, not anymore at least. I’m not sure it ever was.”

He said it so calmly, like it was just a fact of life that he’d accepted. Davey couldn’t tell if it was better or worse than him being broken up about it.

Davey grabbed his hand and squeezed it in response.

The cemetery was quiet as they walked through, rows after rows of tombstones and grave markers. It wasn’t a large place, but it was a decent enough size to have multiple paths weaving their way in and out of rows of headstones. Some scattered trees held birds that would sing occasionally. Davey tried not to think about how much the sound resembled wailing.

Race’s mom was buried in the plot of land next to her father. Race led the way and Davey followed, not reassured by the familiarity that Race had with the layout of the place. He walked down the paths with a quick pace, like he knew exactly where he was going.

“Did you spend a lot of time here?” Davey asked from behind him, struggling to keep up.

Race glanced back at him, something like a smile played on his lips but didn’t take form.

“This town is full of hiding places, Davey. You’ll find my name carved into every tree in a mile radius if you look hard enough.”

Davey followed, watching his feet to make sure he wasn’t going to trip on a tombstone or walk over flowers by accident. His fixation on the ground led him to almost run into Race, who’d stopped suddenly. Davey followed his gaze. There was a fresh patch of dirt about 50 feet out, a neat rectangle. Davey heard Race take a deep breath and continued walking.

They’d brought along flowers, even though the grave was already pretty covered in them. Race walked up to the grave. Race set down the bouquet and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Davey wrapped his arm around him, rubbing soothing circles on his arm. Race stood there for a long moment, his face blank and eyes dry. Davey gave him a little nudge.

“You okay sweetheart?” He asked.

Race hesitated, then nodded his head. He stared at the grave for a few seconds longer before letting out a shaky breath and backing away, out of Davey’s arms. He started walking down the path again. Davey followed.

They continued down the path in silence till they reached the back edge of the cemetery.

There was a big oak tree off in the corner, just next to where a wooden fence separated the clean cut grass from the forest that bordered it. The tree had a lot of thick, low lying branches and Davey knew where this was heading as soon as Race started to lead him toward it.

“I feel like we shouldn’t do this,” he said, slowing his stride. Race turned around.

“Please? You don’t have to, but I’d really like if you did.” Race’s eyes were soft and pleading and Davey couldn’t say no.

“Okay.”

They ascended the tree slowly. Davey had only ever climbed a tree once before when he was ten and he immediately fell from it, so he made sure to take his time. Race was up as far as he could go, stradling a thick branch, facing the trunk. Davey pulled himself up next to him, both his legs dangling over the side. They weren’t more than 12 or 13 feet off the ground but it was enough to make Davey a little queasy. He tried to focus on Race and not the ground below them. Race pointed at a spot on the trunk.

“What did I say. My name’s scattered all around this town.”

Davey looked where Race was pointing and sure enough, there were a series of jagged cuts in the tree which vaguely spelled out ‘Tony.’

“How old were you when you did this?” Davey asked, reaching a hand across Race’s body to trace the letters with his fingertips, his other hand gripping tight to the tree. Race shrugged.

“10? Maybe 11? My dad gave me a pocket knife for my birthday when I was nine.”

“That’s really young to give someone a knife.”

Race shrugged again. “It’s different out here, away from the city. Back there you’d barely give a 13 year old a pocket knife. People here have practically been using them since they were born.”

Davey retracted his hand and moved to start climbing down.

“I can’t imagine you here, in this town. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“That’s cuz you a city boy,” Race responded, the teasing lilt that he usually had returning to his voice briefly as he flashed Davey a smile. Davey hadn’t seen him smile that big all week. Before Davey even had a chance to smile back, the expression dropped from his face. “No, I understand. This place never seemed to fit me. I was going to leave eventually, Mom just fast tracked the process.”

They reached the ground and Davey took his hand, nodding back towards the entrance.

“Come on.”

They walked around town for a while, talking sometimes but mostly not. Davey asked him about what he was like as a kid, whether he got into a lot of trouble. Race had smiled a bit at that, recounting how he used to sneak out of the house a lot when he was younger, hide around town in places he wasn’t supposed to be, waiting for someone to find him. During the summer his parents gave him free rein, allowing him to go wherever he wanted as long as he was home before dark. He’d go home and be back out just hours later, after they’d gone to bed. It was stupid, sneaking out like that when he was so young, but it was how he was able to deal with living there for so long. Race thrived on being around people, on being somewhere where things were happening. In this town, it was miles to the closest small city.

They visited Race’s old haunts. They drove around town. They got food at a local restaurant. They drove past Race’s old house. He’d lived in a small development, not quite suburbs but pretty dang close, cul-de-sac and all.

The sun was getting lower in the sky and Davey pulled off on the side of the road about a half mile out of town. They didn’t have a place to stay for the night so they were planning on just crashing in their car. Not the ideal sleeping situation but a sleeping situation nonetheless. Davey was fishing blankets out of the trunk when Race came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He didn’t say anything, so Davey turned around to give him a proper hug, holding him tight. Race tucked his head into the crook of Davey’s neck and sighed. Davey understood.

Race pulled away, a far away look in his eyes. He grabbed a blanket from the trunk and took Davey’s hand.

“Come with me, I want to show you something.”

They walked back towards the town, staying just along the outskirts till they reached a field, no more than a mile from where they’d parked and probably around a quarter mile from Race’s old house. It was blocked from view of the road by a thick line of trees. It looked like it had once been used for farming, but the land was overgrown, and the barn in the distance was half collapsed. Race walked to the middle of the field and laid a blanket down over the long grass. He sat on it, leaning back on his hands and looking at the sky. Davey sat down next to him, putting his arm gently around his shoulders.

“This was one of my favorite places to sneak out to. You could see every star from here on a clear night.”

Race was staring out at the sun as it made its way down towards the horizon. The sky was a mix of colors, something golden fading into dull blue, the sparse clouds tinted just the slightest hint of pink. The darker edges of the sky to the east had a sprinkling of stars just starting to come out.

They did a lot of sitting in silence. Davey didn’t know what to say, how to comfort. The last time he’d experienced grief was when he was seven, and he didn't remember most of it. He remembered crying a lot, remembered the day of the funeral, remembered the moment he’d learned that his grandfather had died, but he didn’t remember how long it took for him to be okay. He didn’t remember anything that people did to make him feel better, to make him feel safe. And this was different anyway, Race wasn’t even crying. Davey had no idea how to handle the situation, but he would give Race all the time he needed to heal.

The glow of the setting sun had turned to twilight by the time the silence broke. Race had his hand on Davey’s but he wasn’t holding it, opting instead to toy idly with his fingers.

“I don’t think I ever really blamed her for what she did,” Race said next to him.

Davey furrowed his brow, confused. “What do you mean?” Race kept his attention fixed on playing with Davey’s fingers.

“Well, for a while, I thought she might’ve been right. That I was an abomination. I thought I deserved it,” he said, his voice small and quiet. Davey reached up a hand to turn Race’s face towards his, trying to keep his words and his gaze as sincere as he could.

“She was wrong. She was completely and totally wrong.” Race was looking at Davey with wide eyes, an intense vulnerability in them, and Davey couldn’t resist the urge to lean down and kiss him softly. They pulled apart, Race huffing out a little laugh as he turned to look back down at their joined hands. Davey frowned at the fact that Race wouldn’t maintain eye contact but didn’t push it.

“I know. I know she was wrong. But I still never resented her, even though I knew I had every right to. Back then, I thought maybe if I could change, if I could fix myself, then maybe she’d take me back. Maybe she’d love me again.” Davey opened his mouth to say something but Race cut him off. “I know, I know that’s stupid and it’s not how it works, but at 14? All I wanted was to go home.” He took a deep breath, his tone changing to one of finality. “But I got older. I learned to accept myself and love myself and I realized that if she only loved me when she thought I was straight, she didn’t love  _me_ at all. The day I realized that… that was the day I stopped caring about her taking me back.”

“I’m really proud of you for realizing that Race.”

Race rested her head on Davey’s shoulder, joining their hands. “I think that’s why this whole thing hasn’t been as rough on me as it should’ve been, all in all. When I stopped caring was when I lost her. In my head, she’s been dead for years.”

Davey tilted his head down to rest on Race’s.

“You’ll always have people in this world who love you, unconditionally. Your mom might not have been one of them, but we exist and we’re here for you, through thick and thin.”

They sat in silence for a long while, Davey with his arm around Race, their hands intertwined, the world growing dark around them. Fireflies were beginning to rise from the grass, little pinpricks of light flashing against the dim light of dusk. Davey was vaguely aware of Race twitching slightly in his arms but didn’t think much of them until he heard him sniffle. He bent his head down and tried his best to get a good look at Race’s face, a task made only more difficult by the fact that Race was apparently trying his hardest to look away from him. His chin was tucked tight to his chest.

“Race? Love, are you okay?”

Race shook his head as he choked back sobs, the force causing his whole body to shake and his chest to expand and contract quickly in what looked like painful, silent hiccups. Davey wrapped his other arm around Race and pulled him close so his cheek was pressed to Davey’s chest. Davey focused on steadying his own heartbeat, knowing Race could hear it, knowing that if it was calm and regular then Race might be able to focus on that and calm down.

Race took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and let it out slowly. He repeated the process a few times before his breathing slowed to something approaching normal. He shifted his head so it was pressed to a drier part of Davey’s shirt. Davey could feel it getting wet so he could tell Race was still crying, but he was definitely crying less.

Davey stroked his hair. “It will hurt less in time,” he said. Race shook his head slightly.

“It’s not about that,” he mumbled into the fabric.

“What?”

“It’s not about my mom.”

“Then what is it about?”

Race paused for a moment, still and unmoving in Davey’s arms.

“I’m scared,” he whispered, his voice shaky.

“Of what?”

“That tomorrow will come and this will all be gone. That you won’t be there. That you’ll realize I’m too much of a mess and leave. That I’ll be alone and then one day I’ll be disappear and no one will be around to notice.”

Davey pulled him impossibly closer. He rubbed a hand up and down his back, kissed his head, tried his best to silently let Race know that he was there and he was real.

“Race, eternity could come and I would still be right by your side. I don’t care who else comes and goes in our lives but I’m never going to let you go. You’ll always have me. I promise.”

Night was settling over them and they were going to have to walk back in the dark and sleep in their car but it was okay, because they had each other. It was all they needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Take your tractor to school day is a real thing, usually followed by animal day (ffa kids will bring in their farm animals and you can go out and pet them if your teacher lets you). I hate where I live but I love petting animals.
> 
> I'm not super in love with the concept of Race coming from a small town so I don't think I'll write any like, sequels to this particular story but I liked writing this one and I’m planning on writing more ravey!!  
> Hope y'all liked it, tell me if it made you sad lol. Comments and kudos give me life, also hmu on tumblr @ [broadwait](https://broadwait.tumblr.com/), I take requests for pretty much anything!


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